Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and finish planning that casino heist. LET’S GO!
THE BACHELORETTE – 8:00PM (ABC) Tonight is the finale of TV’s new #1 show. Yes, that’s right. It’s number one. And can you think of a grander indictment of the broadcast network’s summer programming than the fact that America considers THIS show its best viewing option? Programming heads, your viewers are STARVING. For Pete’s sake, if they’re willing to watch Ali deliberate on a future ex-boyfriend for two hours every Monday, they’re willing to watch just about anything. Couldn’t you throw us a bone over the summer? Make a show about man-eating whales or something. We clearly WANT to watch your networks. Give us a reason. Please. Give us a better reason than this. ANTICIPATION: LONG JOURNEY!
SHARK ATTACK SURVIVAL GUIDE – 9:00PM (Discovery) Shark Week continues unabated with this hourlong special offering helpful hints to you in case a great white comes along one day and bites your leg off. Apparently, my original plan of cursing and thrashing around until I drown is NOT a viable option. But what if they happen to be ZOMBIE sharks, Discovery Channel? I bet you didn’t plan for that! ANTICIPATION: BLOOD AND CHUM!
DAY OF THE SHARK 3 – 10:00PM (Discovery) Six tales of shark attack survival, including a story from a former Navy SEAL. No, not Michael Biehn. An ACTUAL Navy SEAL. Cool. Bet he fared better than a regular seal. Those guys live to be shark lunch. ANTICIPATION: CHUM AND BLOOD!
CAKE BOSS – 9:00PM (TLC) Buddy has to make a cake for his barber. It’s the cake that cuts YOU! Also, Buddy has to make a mechanical bull cake that moves. Because rarely have I not looked at a cake and thought, “Boy, I really wish I could have my cake and ride it, too.” ANTICIPATION: BULL ICING!
JAMES MAY’S TOY STORIES – 10:00PM (BBC America) James is building the world’s largest model airplane. In other words, he’s building an airplane. He recruits a group of “reluctant teens” to help him. Because teens are usually so hard-working and agreeable. ANTICIPATION: NO WOODY OR BUZZ!