Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV that may be worth staying in and waxing your arms for. Don’t pull it off slowly. You must commit. One swift motion! LET’S GO!
MODERN FAMILY – 9:00PM (ABC)
Tonight, Jay accidentally kills Manny’s pet turtle. When I was a teenager, I was left home alone with a babysitter for a weekend. During that weekend, my sister’s guinea pig died. No foul play, I swear. It died naturally. But we had no clue what to do. Do we wait for my sister to get back to break the news? Do we buy another guinea pig and eat the dead one? Well, we figured we should bury the dead one, only it was January in Minnesota, so the ground was frozen. So I stuck the pig in a shoebox and put bricks around the shoebox, creating this little guinea pig mausoleum in the backyard. I thought it looked quite sharp. I got my sister on the phone to break the news to her. She was displeased. And when she found out I had dumped a pile of bricks on top of the corpse and left it to rot out in the frigid snow… Let’s just say I hope Jay doesn’t do the same thing with that turtle. ANTICIPATION: DEADLY!
THE GAY DIVORCEE – 8:00PM (TCM)
A classic Fred Astaire film from 1937. The title so does NOT mean what you think it means. ANTICIPATION: GAY AS IN HAPPY AND FULL OF MERRIMENT!
AMERICAN IDOL – 9:00PM (FOX)
Tonight, the final eight male contestants perform. And OMG! Ellen kissed Simon last night! I bet she’ll be tasting spray tanner and Drakkar Noir for the next month. Also, Simon: please button your shirt. You aren’t in Miami, fella. Cowell is now engaged to his longtime girlfriend. I bet he loves her ALMOST as much as his BMW. And his Cartier watch. And those Magli shoes. ANTICIPATION: THRILLINGLY MEDIOCRE!
THE FUGITIVE – 8:00PM (AMC)
Oh, look at that. We’re eatin’ oranges and makin’ IDs.
GHOST HUNTERS – 9PM – (SyFy – an NBC/Universal network)
The hunters visit Fort Ticonderoga and try not to cross the streams. ANTICIPATION: LIKE “PARANORMAL ACTIVITY,” ONLY WITHOUT THE PAYOFF