Individually, Spencer Pratt or Heidi Montag could easily rank a spot on any list of celebrities who shouldn’t have kids — or possibly even have access to other’s people’s kids — but as a pair, they’re a lock for the top spot. It’s not the fact that imagining a new generation needy Montag mini-mes or the pitter-patter of little paparazzi-loving Pratts would give anyone pause. After all, thanks to the luck of the genetic draw, Speidi’s spawn could be greater than the sum of their parts. No, the real potential-parental deal breaker comes from the fact that “The Hills” stars have yet to find a private moment that isn’t ripe for public exploitation. Just think of the poorly reenacted reality TV scenes and all those posed “candids” covering everything from conception to baby’s first date.
Long before Lindsay Lohan launched into her “T minus Britney” train wreck lifestyle, there were already two good reasons to keep her out of the maternity ward. Spray tan and tacky leggings! Not really. She could still grow out of that awful aesthetic. The two she can’t seem to grow out of are her parents, or as any unfortunate children of her own might one day come to call them, stage-grandma Dina Lohan and media-gabbing grandpa Michael Lohan. See, even if Lindsay manages to clean up her act and approach something close to mommy material, the elder Lohans would still be around to wreak their own brand of child-warping havoc.
When celebrities treat furry little bundles of joy as easy-to-replace accessory items, one can only imagine how those same stars might treat their own tiny humans. That conveniently leads us to one of the many reasons Paris Hilton shouldn’t join the baby bump brigade. The Beverly Hills animal collector, whom by her own admission has had up to 17 dogs at a time, goes through cute-and-cuddlies at an alarming rate. Apparently, it’s really hard to keep up with all those critters. Some go missing, some get repossessed, and the less said about the coyote incident the better. Here’s hoping her ability to master the required attention span to raise kids will never be put to the test.
As there’s no point in putting exes Hulk and Linda Hogan on the list retroactively, wishing their daughter, Brooke Hogan, (not to mention that non-celeb son of theirs) a childfree future seems like the next best thing. Maybe that’s a little a mean, but one glimpse of the alleged singer-actress-model on her reality TV playground, “Brooke Knows Best,” inspires that sort of reaction. If nothing else, it’s a move that might reduce the number of future low-talent, high-drama reality stars. It’s also marks one last chance stop that frightening family fashion sense and patented Hogan brand of bottle blond locks from reaching yet another generation.
Why shouldn’t John Mayer have kids? Well, it’s complicated. Mayer’s a man who likes to share his good and bad news with the world via impromptu paparazzi news conferences, sarcastic on-stage chatter and his often obnoxious twitter feed. The singer-songwriter’s loose-lipped ways combined with his tendency to wax pompous about everything from past relationships to his own life coach ambitions makes one wonder just how eye-rollingly far the “wisdom” of first time fatherhood could push him. Plus, given Mayer’s penchant for dating certain famous faces (including Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson and repeat offender Jennifer Aniston), there’s a good chance he’d be having a kid with someone worthy of their own entry on this list.