Barack O-Bummer

Gloomy inaugural lecture triggers Wall Street sell-off

By SARA K. SMITH

Updated 12:39 AM PST, Wed, Jan 21, 2009

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Debbie Downer over here wants to "help the middle class," which is liberal doublespeak for "eat the wealthy."

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Well America, you asked for it! Your precious Barry Obama is now the president, and the market has tanked, again, because he vowed in his inauguration speech to take all the rich people's money.

Obviously it was always his plan, being an unreconstructed hippie Marxist-Socialist-Trotskyite redistributionist, to confiscate all the earthly possessions of hard-working billionaires and give the loot to all the lazy slobs who would rather cook cat food in a can than work a day in their lives. Joe the Plumber tried to warn us about this, you'll recall, but everybody said, "Nah, nobody's into that Marx guy anymore, they all like that Che fella, from the tee-shirts."

Until Obama uncorked this little sally:

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control - and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous.

Wait, what? Is that class warfare he's talking about?

Naturally, the markets plunged immediately after Obama's speech. The Dow closed out the day down 4 percent. The Nasdaq fell nearly 6 percent. Wall Street freaked out about our ailing financial sector, which some of you will recall has been ailing for some time now, but now there is a Democrat in office. That means global panic among a rapidly shrinking population of institutions and individuals with money.

"We Have Chosen Hope Over Fear": Obama's Speech

WATCH

"We Have Chosen Hope Over Fear": Obama's Speech

If Barack Obama had really wanted to help America, his inaugural address would have contained something like this -- something to soothe our nation's anxious and troubled plutocrats in these trying times:

As of today, no household making over $250,000 per year shall be taxed, for anything. They won't even have to pay sales tax. Corporations will get a $15,000 tax credit for every breathing human they put on payroll, with an extra bonus if you manage to round up some dead people. Oh, also, Citibank gets another $45 billion. Because, why not? Don't worry about the rioting poor, they will all be ground up into fertilizer, which is good for the economy.

But nope, instead we all got a lecture about how we needed to quit acting childish and usher in a "new era of responsibility." This is exactly what the markets don't need -- a bunch of Debbie Downer claptrap about paying for stuff with money you already have, and some other garbage about compassion. We are in for a long, difficult road ahead with this new responsibility thing.

Good luck, fellow citizens. We will need it.

Sara K. Smith writes for Wonkette, and has stashed her millions in the Caymans.