Daniel Swartz for W Washington D.C.
Will this year's Thanksgiving games be a bunch of turkeys? We think so.
You've heard time and again this week that this year's batch of Thanksgiving Day NFL games is easily the best ever. And I would just like to say to the people touting these games... STOP IT. YOU ARE JINXING IT FOR THE REST OF US. How many times are we gonna sit through a heavily hyped game that turns out to be an unwatchable rout before we exercise restraint, America? Now these games have been RUINED.
Anyway, to provide a counterbalance to these predictions of fantastic nonstop football action, I'm gonna go ahead and pick these games, taking great care to make every last one of them a huge letdown. OBSERVE!
Packers 48, Lions 20. I can already see the game unfolding clear as day. First, Detroit will take a 7-0 lead, causing Ford Field to erupt with orgasmic pleasure. Finally, DETROIT IS READY TO HEAL AGAIN. Then the Packers will rip off 41 straight points (21 of them off of turnovers) and we'll all start picking at the turkey early because we have nothing better to do. Stupid Aaron Rodgers. Why'd you have to ruin this game by being so awesome?
Cowboys 23, Dolphins 10. Like I said before, Miami displays all the attributes of a Dead Team Bounce. They've won three straight against lousy opponents, so let's not go nuts. They're not THAT good. They're perfectly capable of reverting back to form, turning the ball over and bungling the clock in horrific fashion. Tony Sparano didn't just wake up one day a month ago and stop being Tony Sparano.
Niners 6, Ravens 3. You know what I REALLY don't care about? The fact that John and Jim Harbaugh are brothers. It doesn't matter at all to the outcome of this game. The only way that storyline would be interesting is if one of the Harbaugh brothers once attacked the other, leaving a visible facial scar. THEN we'd have ourselves a human interest story. Otherwise, I don't care that Jack Harbaugh won't be at the stadium to watch his two boys wage war by standing on a sideline for three hours.
So there you have it. Three PUTRID Thanksgiving Day games, just like you've come to expect every year. I hope I'm wrong, but I ain't jinxing it.