Bill Romanowski Now Writes a Sex Column

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    NEWSLETTERS

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    The Love Doctor is in.

    Look out, Dan Savage. Your new competition in the sex advice business is a middle-aged, married, straight dude who used to spend $200,000 a year on steroids.

    Bill Romanowski, the same Bill Romanowski who played linebacker for six seasons with the San Francisco 49ers and two years with the Oakland Raiders, has published a sex column on Yahoo's Associated Content site. 

    I sincerely apologize for whatever mental image might have just popped into your head.

    Entitled "Healthy Secrets to Better Sex," Romanowski's article recommends healthy little things you can do to improve your sex life, like "Take the stairs instead of the elevator," or "Sneak in some jumping jacks or sit-ups during a commercial." None of these sounds even remotely kinky.

    Disregarding the question of whether an admitted longtime steroids user still even has any functioning equipment at this point, Romanowki has been married for 16 years. People who have been married for 16 years -- do you guys still have enough sex that you think you could write a column about it?

    That's sort of the problem with Romanowski's advice article. It hasn't really got anything to do with sex.

    As the wisecracking sports blog Deadspin points out, Romanowski published almost the exact same article for them six months ago, under the title "How to Survive Holiday Stress." The "easy tips" he recommends for better sex are almost word-for-word the exact same tips he recommended for surviving holiday stress.

    And "coping with stress" isn't really something you'd seek Romanowski's advice about either. Unless you consider punching out a teammate's eye socket during practice to be an effective way of coping with stress.

    Joe Kukura is a freelance writer who believes all good sex columns begin with the phrase "Dear Penthouse Forum, You're never going to believe this, but..."