Realness. Some NFL teams have it. Some do not. Some NFL teams may have a 2-0 record, but that 2-0 record may hide the fact that they are NOT real, that they are NOT real, tangible clubs that exists in this dimension. And that’s bad.
You want REAL realness out of your 2-0 team. You want to know that your victories were true, that you won’t collapse into such a worthless pile of dog poop that the league decides retroactively that the first two wins were NOT real, and rescinds them. You want to be convinced that your eyes did not deceive you, which is where we at NBC come in.
“Are they for real?” It’s a question asked by the Mark Schlereths of the world, mainly because it’s meaningless and it takes up air time. Ah, but we at NBC know realness when we see it! Which is why I shall now evaluate three NFL teams – the Bills, Lions, and Redskins – and assign then a Realness Factor between 1 and 10, so that you know precisely just how actualized your teams are.
THE LIONS: Oh, the realness is strong with this outfit. Even against a team as lacking in realness as the Chiefs, you could feel the reality pouring out of Matthew Stafford and company. Stafford looks so good, I’m willing to completely ignore that I said he’d be a bust when he came out of college, for HIS sake. THAT IS WHAT REALNESS WILL DO FOR A TEAM. And Tampa’s comeback win vs. Minnesota ensures that Detroit’s Week 1 win on the road versus the Bucs remains an impressive one. This is the Lions year. I feel their actuality. REALNESS FACTOR: 10.
THE BILLS: That was a nice comeback win against the Raiders for Harvard Boy, but the Bills still have the brutal portion of the schedule to go, with the NFC East and double dips against the Pats and Jets coming up. And we now know that Kansas City is the worst team in the history of everything, which decreases their realness marginally. I am not convinced of their existence just yet. REALNESS FACTOR: 2
THE REDSKINS: They have a weak schedule. They have a nice running game. They have Rex Grossman pulling out victories and loving the ladies. But most of all, they have the yellow pants. Such an upgrade from the white pants. How can you be for real with white pants? I can’t see you! YOU ARE LOST TO THE CLOUDS. No, I don’t buy that Washington is as good as the likes of Green Bay or New Orleans, and coming back to beat Arizona isn’t all THAT impressive. But Mike Vick is hurt, and they’ve got the yellow pants, and the realness is becoming realer by the second. REALNESS FACTOR: 7