The Oakland Raiders can't win for trying. Through three games, they have the NFL's third-best defense and tenth-best offense. But with only one measly win to show for it, they're tied for last in a weak division.
Their opponent this week, the Houston Texans, is pulling off the underachieving reverse of this phenomenon. They have a statistical laughingstock of a defense, but they're tied with the elite Indianapolis Colts for first place in the AFC South.
Something might give when these Texans come for a shootout Sunday at the Oakland Coliseum.
The Texans have the lowest-ranked pass defense in the NFL. Through the first three weeks, opposing quarterbacks have thrown for a whopping 368.7 yards-per-game average against the Texans.
Everything's bigger, indeed.
The Texans are ranked next-to-dead-last in overall defense, factoring in both passing and running.
"We have to find a way to stop these passing attacks because it's ridiculous,'' Texans safety Bernard Pollard told the Austin Statesman-American. "Until we do, people are going to come in here and bomb away at us."
They'll bomb away at you, alright, Texans. Particularly if they have a Polish Cannon.
Joe Kukura is a freelance writer who will point out uselessly just to sound smart that the Raiders' opponent for the first week of "pink shoes and gloves games" for Breast Cancer Awareness Month last season was also the Houston Texans.