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Parents Who Raise Successful Kids Never Use These 5 Toxic Phrases, Says Ivy League Child Psychologist

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Language matters when you're talking to kids — especially in the heat of a moment.

When a child is misbehaving or throwing a tantrum, it's easy to blurt out whatever you think might get them to calm down and behave. But certain common phrases could "inadvertently shame" that child and cause lasting damage to their self-esteem, says Dr. Tovah Klein, a child psychologist and author of the book "How Toddlers Thrive."

Any phrase that comes across as "blaming [the] child for either a behavior or an emotion that they're having" is a problem, says Klein, who's also the director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development. Barnard is an undergraduate women's college of Columbia University.

"Shame can really be that toxic piece for a young child because they then carry it with them: 'I must not be very good. I shouldn't try that,'" Klein tells CNBC Make It. "It becomes, really, this sense of doubting themselves. It's like a weakness."

When kids are shamed by their parents, the people whose love and opinions matter to them the most, their confidence and motivation dry up, research shows. That makes them less likely to try new things and take on new challenges, traits they need to succeed later in life.

Here are five common phrases you should avoid, and what you can say instead, according to Klein.

5 toxic phrases you should never use around kids

Most of the time, parents absolutely don't mean to shame their kids, Klein says. It can take the form of an exaggerated sigh or eye-roll, and a snarky comment like:

  • "'So, you're in a bad mood, again. You're always in a bad mood.'"
  • "Why do you always get upset when this happens?"
  • "Did you have to do that [negative behavior] again?"
  • "That's ridiculous!"
  • "You're overreacting."

It's usually just a sign of frustration, Klein says. Maybe your child is fighting with their sibling again, suddenly pretending they don't hear your requests or refusing to do something they usually don't mind doing.

"You think you have a really sweet child, which you do most of the time," Klein says. "And then your child is just not having it — they don't want to go out to dinner with Grandma and Grandpa tonight, and they're swarming around the house."

Putting your kid down over their bad mood and pouty face "makes the child feel terrible" and leaves them wondering if something is permanently wrong with them, says Klein. And a question like "Why do you always get upset when this happens?" can feel both shameful and dismissive of the feelings that are making them act out, she adds.

What you can say instead

First, you can always take a step back before saying anything at all, Klein says. Ask yourself: "What's going on with me, that I'm mad and disappointed in my child?"

Remember that children, like adults, are "built to go through a range of feelings, some of them positive and lots of them not," says Klein. Then, pick responses that show your kid some empathy until their bad mood inevitably passes.

Here are four examples, Klein says:

  • "You don't want to do this right now. I get it. But, we still have to go."
  • "If this is hard, I'm going to help you."
  • "I wish we could do that."
  • "You want to go outside? I get it. Unfortunately, we can't right now."

Acknowledge and validate their disappointment before moving on and being firm about what needs to happen, letting them know you aren't abandoning plans just because they're momentarily in a bad mood. You don't need to "over-talk," says Klein: "A little empathy goes a long way."

In some situations, you can also practice "respectfully ignoring" a child who's acting out, Klein adds: Rather than rejecting or dismissing the behavior, calmly wait for it to pass. Say something like, "I'm just going to get our stuff ready. I'll come back and get you in a moment."

If you do lose your temper and say something you regret, you'll need to acknowledge your mistake to re-establish trust with your child. "You make them less doubtful by saying: 'This is really hard. I yelled, and you were upset. And now we're OK,'" says Klein.

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