Choking Your Chicken Never Felt So Good

Voyeurs and spectators are welcome to watch as long as they are respectful to the performers. After all trying to beat Ms. Kitty Kat's record of masturbating for seven hours and six minutes needs the utmost concentration. The slightest peep could ruin the mood.

The Masturbate-a-Thon is back and bigger than ever. The annual event, which encourages Jills to jack off and Jacks to jill off for a good cause, is getting off itself in San Francisco this Saturday. No jerking around here. Shockingly enough, this is for real.

Just $15, and an agreement to be polite, gets you in the doors at The Center for Sex & Culture, 1519 Mission St., in San Francisco this Saturday starting at 11 a.m., to see some of the world's most accomplished masturbation artists try to break world records such as the "most masturbation orgasms" (31 climaxes for a man and 20 wet shots for a woman, for the record) and "longest distance come to come." For the record Morihiro Taneici, from Tokyo, has a firm grasp on that record.

But don't let the stiff competition intimidate you. The center is large enough to hold both professional and amateur masturbators alike. There is even a place to masturbate in private, for those of us with intimacy issues.

Even if you can't make it out to root on your favorite performer, you can watch this year's event from the comfort of your own living room. This year's Masturbate-a-Thon has expanded to the Web. And this is actually one time no one is going to judge you for only typing with one hand or ask you why your shift key is sticking. 

The money raised from the event will be donated to promote sexual education and safety. So whack off and feel good about it. And if your conscience is bothering you the morning after, feel free to go to confession, instead of taking a pill. It will be Sunday, after all. 

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