An In-Depth Review Of Bristol Palin's Dramatic TV Debut

Bristol Palin is about  to make her debut on ABC Family, official new cable channel of PICKUP TRUCKS and FREEDOM. She will appear on “The Secret Life Of The American Teenager,” a show about teen pregnancy on which Palin’s spawn will stretch by playing a teen mom herself. I see what she did there. Anyway, you could wait until July 5 to check Bristol’s acting chops. But why not check her out right now? The folks

have already leaked footage of Palin.

Sarah Palin's daughter's acting debut is something many people have been looking forward to, much more so than seeing her baby daddy’s exposed private parts. What a letdown THAT was! So allow me to put on my finest Lee Strasberg hat and evaluate her performance line by line.

First of all, you will notice that someone in wardrobe did Bristol a huge disservice by dressing her in what appears to be a tuxedo vest with fanny pack snap belt combination. It’s the kind of thing you’d wear if you were white water rafting and didn’t know what you were doing. I’m also not a fan of the swept-back negative bangs look. It’s almost like a reverse mullet. Pat Riley on top. Crystal Gayle in the back. This is hardly a good look for a teenager someone would like to impregnate. Why is she not snapping gum? Anyway. Let’s break down each of her line readings.

Do you have a son or a daughter?

Okay, that wasn’t so bad. Places the emphasis away from Bristol and puts the onus on her acting companion (an actual actor) to, like, be all dramatic and stuff.

Me too.

Okay, that was a bit wooden. Kind of an oakish quality to it, not unlike a low budget Syrah. But perhaps Bristol is just setting your expectations low, so she can catch you by surprise! That’s totally from her mama’s playbook.

We’re all teen moms, and musicians.

Okay, that wasn’t very good at all. It needed a caption below it that said INVISSABULL Q KARD. Very wooden line reading. You could build a canoe out of it.

The program… it’s for teen moms.

STOP STARING AT ME! You’re making me uncomfortable. Bristol Palin didn’t die, did she? Is this her resurrected body, reanimated by William Kristol in a bizarre political charade? I’m not saying it’s true. I’m just saying, it may be the best explanation we have.

Of course you did. You’re the world’s greatest French horn player, and I’m Yoyo Ma.

Take a look at the other actress’ response to that line. It’s quite telling. Even SHE didn’t get any gentle sarcasm from Palin there, and she read the script. I’m sure it said right in the stage directions that Bristol’s character is being sarcastic. I’m sure it also reminded Palin that her character blinks on occasion.

Also, there’s no way Bristol Palin actually knows who Yoyo Ma is. I’m sure Levi told her it was something he saw on

Come on, we have to get going.

And there, Palin redeems herself slightly. Indeed, let us all leave this scene. Let’s flee from it this instant, and not be reminded of it again. Overall, I regretfully give Bristol a D for her performance. But that doesn’t mean a cushy youth correspondent gig on a morning news show can’t be waiting for her.

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