Monday Watch List: Bret Michaels Gets To Slow Dancin'

Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and crystallize the ginger. LET’S GO!

DANCING WITH THE STARS – 8:00PM (ABC) Tonight, the celebrity hoofers are forced to dance to classic TV theme songs. Because who doesn’t want to get up and dance every time they hear the “Family Ties” theme song? I’m really hoping someone chooses “Suicide Is Painless,” which is the theme song from M*A*S*H, and is also the single most depressing piece of music ever written in any era of human history. That theme song is the reason most of the people my age are on Paxil. You could play “Videotape” by Radiohead at a baby funeral and it still wouldn’t be as depressing. Let’s see if there’s a sharp contestant in the field who picks the “Queer Eye” theme song. So danceable. ALL THINGS JUST KEEP GETTING BETTTTTER! You know you love it, girls. ANTICIPATION: DANCEY !

BRET MICHAELS: LIFE AS I KNOW IT – 10:00PM (VH1) It’s the premiere of this docuseries about Poison singer Bret Michaels and his tumultuous year battling various illnesses. His life is its own power ballad. This series promises to focus more on Bret’s family, so be there when his kid finally asks him what the word “skank” means. Tonight’s episode features Bret’s triumphant return to the stage after a brain hemorrhage. And while that’s heartwarming, it’s never a good sign when your show shares a title with a failed Katherine Heigl romantic comedy. ANTICIPATION: FALLEN ANGELS!

THE BURIED LIFE – 10:30PM (MTV) The gooshgags train as bounty hunters and are given the task of capturing a 250-pound criminal with a history of violence. Never in your life will you cheer harder for a 250-pound criminal with a history of violence. ANTICIPATION: TEAM 250-POUND CRIMINAL WITH A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE!

HOARDERS – 10:00PM (A&E) A woman suffering from cancer has trouble receiving her treatments because her home is covered in rat feces, which kind of explains just why she has cancer to begin with. Meanwhile, a man’s farm is littered with hundreds of unfinished projects. You mean, that’s not normal for a man to have? Well, YOU try building a Little Tikes playhouse, missy. It ain’t all roses. Only 1 out of 10 is ever finished, and that’s because a professional is called in. ANTICIPATION: MESSY!

YANKEES/RANGERS – GAME 3 – 8:00PM (TBS) The series shifts over to Yankee Stadium for pivotal Game 3, with the teams knotted at 1-1. If you try flipping channels during an at-bat, Yankees security will come and arrest you. ANTICIPATION: JERKIES!

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