We might as well all just quit now.
Critics and creators alike have officially been stripped of their purpose by the glorious masterpiece that was "Sharknado: The 4th Awakens." Tornadoes can't get better than this. Sharks can't get better than this. Art itself will never be better than this.
SyFy's fourth installment of its "hit" Sharknado franchise had pretty much everything we could ever dream of: Sharknadoes, Bouldernadoes, Lightningnadoes, Tara Reid resurrected as a robot, a small child who thinks his mom is a shark but is actually the robot Tara Reid, Gilbert Gottfried as a storm chaser for the "Today" show, and "Real Housewives" working as astrophysicists.
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At no point would we have been able to say, "yes, we understand precisely what is happening right now," but if you think that took away from our extreme guilt over this guiltiest of guilty pleasures, you'd be nothing more than a great big wrongnado.
Let's talk about the moments that truly astonished us:
1. First of all, there's a fourth "Sharknado" movie. And it aired on Harry Potter's birthday! We are still truly #blessed, even in this horrid year of 2016.
2. Tara Reid's fate was revealed, and it was better than we could have imagined: It's been five years (in Sharknado world) since Tara Reid was eaten by a shark, delivered her own baby inside the shark, sawed through the shark to save her and her baby, and then was hit by falling debris in Sharknado 3. We learned tonight that her family believed she had died after she had laid unconscious in the hospital for four years. Secretly, however, Gary Busey (her dad, remember) had revived her, told her her family had died, turned her into a super strong robot, and had been training her while in search of a permanent cure for, you know, death.
Meanwhile, on a farm in Kansas, Fin (Ian Ziering) was raising his young son, who believed his mother was actually a shark. That meant we got this line: "That's not my mother. My mother's a shark, not a robot!"
3. Do you really need any other moments?!
4. You do? FINE. Um. Carrot Top the Uber driver made us never want to ride in an Uber again. Steve Guttenberg sells cars with names now, and "Vanderpump Rules'" Stassi Schroeder is not the worst actress!
5. RIP Gabrielle, Fin's new daughter-in-law, who at least died with a shark chowing down on one arm while the other arm wielded a shotgun against the impending sharkageddon.
6. What it is about watching reality TV stars spout technical jargon about sharknado-repelling space physics that is just so satisfying? Props to Cynthia Bailey, Erika Girardi, Carrie Keagan, Stassi Schroeder, Kym Johnson, and many more familiar faces who made it through lines that would tie our tongues.
7. We were just so happy to see that the "Today" show hosts survived Sharknado 3's shark attack on the "Today" show studios. Natalie Morales' eyepatch was a nice touch!
8. Tara Reid is a SHARK-FIGHTING SUPERHERO ROBOT, you guys. The world may seem to be falling apart but no one can ever take Tara Reid the Super Robot away from us, nor can they make us forget the CGI'd-to-death image of her flying over the rushing water to save her son from a flood.
Thank you, "Sharknado 4." Thank you for everything.
What did you think of that masterpiece? Sound off in the comments below!
(E! and SyFy are both part of the NBCUniversal family)