What’s Behind Blitzer’s Beard?

CNN anchor stays coy on tough questions

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Sexy, enigmatic man of mystery Wolf Blitzer has captivated tens, nay, dozens of viewers on his hot late-afternoon show on CNN, The Situation Room. And herein lies the paradox of Blitzer: he shows us so much about the world, while at the same time revealing nothing of himself.

Who introduced us to the wonders of the full-sized human hologram, beamed in from Saturn to tell us about Barack Obama? Wolf Blitzer, with these immortal words:

“Alright, uh, there she is, Jessica Yellin, I know you’re in Chicago but we’ve uhhh done something, a hologram. We beamed you in. We beamed you in, here, uhh into the CNN Election Center. I want to talk to you as I would normally be talking to you if you were really face-to-face with me. I know you’re uhh at least a thousand miles away, but it looks like you’re right here. …You’re a hologram now, Jessica.”

In that one exchange we learned that "Jessica" was a hologram ... and yet, what curious combination of photons produced Wolf Blitzer? He wouldn't say.

Or how about the time he described the embattled citizens of New Orleans in such poignant terms? In that moment, viewers across the nation felt a little closer to their New Orleanean brothers and sisters, who were "so poor and so black" ... and yet they still felt so far from Blitzer, who had none of the attributes of the people he was talking about.

Throughout his distinguished news anchoring career, one question lingered. And finally, one brave 11-year-old had the courage to ask the Great Blitzer himself:

"Why do they call you Wolf?" 11-year-old Damon Weaver asked Blitzer during an interview that will air Friday on The Situation Room.

When Blitzer replied that Wolf is his real name, Weaver quickly responded, "Is that because you have a lot of hair on your face?"

Was Wolf Blitzer born with the distinctive white beard that has cloaked his True Face for decades, if not millennia? He's not telling.

And we wouldn't want it any other way.

Hypertrichosis expert Sara K. Smith writes for NBC and Wonkette.

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