Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and make guacamole using your mortar and pestle. There’s something so cool about using a mortar and pestle. I always feel like I’m a witch when I use one. This guac needs more eye of newt. LET’S GO!
CMT MUSIC AWARDS – 8:00PM (CMT) It’s a celebration of songs about no-good men and real good pickup trucks. Your host tonight is Kid Rock, who will no doubt take a classic rock song and a classic country song and mash them up into a new song that will NOT be classic in any way, shape or form. Also performing tonight are Carrie Underwood (Grrr!), Toby Keith (USA!), and Keith Urban. And if Keith Urban is in the house, you know what that means. Nicole Kidman crowd shots! NO! Don’t do it! I can’t look GAHHHHHH! Why does she look like she’s melting? There’s enough Botox in that face to can six acres of tomatoes. Harrowing. ANTICIPATION: TUXES WITH BOLO TIES!
YOU’RE CUT OFF – 9:00PM (VH1) It’s the much-anticipated debut of this new VH1 show about spoiled rich girls who are cut off from their folks’ bank accounts and forced to live like filthy peasants. I saw the preview and can say without hyperbole that these are some of the most despicable human beings you will ever lay eyes on. So if you’re the kind of person who loved watching “My Super Sweet 16” because it made you want to put your TV through a plate glass window, this is the show for you. ANTICIPATION: AWFUL PEOPLE!
ICE ROAD TRUCKERS – 9:00PM (History Channel) It’s the season premiere of this show about long haul truckers in the Arctic Circle. I’ve watched this show a few times and all I ever want to see when I watch it is a truck falling through the ice. I mean really, isn’t that the only reason to watch? It’s all about the danger of driving on ice. Okay, well then, show me some drowning semis, man! Anyway, tonight a truck DOES crash! AW YEAH! My prayers have been answered! ANTICIPATION: ICE COLD!
THE NEXT FOOD NETWORK STAR – 8:00PM (Food Network) It’s the season premiere of the Food Network’s answer to Top Chef. I don’t know how Food Network can accommodate another star, given that Bobby Flay and Paula Deen’s chin occupy 12 hours of programming each per day on the network. I guess they can make room. Anyway, Flay shows up here, AGAIN. As does Giada De Laurentiis and her enormous cleavage. Wanna be the next Food Network star? A bust like that always helps. ANTICIPATION: COOKING AND TALKING!
BRIDAL BOOTCAMP – 10:00PM (VH1) Finally tonight, another premiere. It’s a new VH1 show where future brides are taken to boot camp to get in shape prior to the wedding. Tonight the girls are greeted at camp with “mud and explosives”. It’s as if they already have children. ANTICIPATION: YOU WILL FIT IN THAT VERA WANG!