From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:
Tomorrow is Halloween, and I am freaking PSYCHED about the fact that, for once, I’ll be doing exactly what I want to do on Halloween: NOT wearing a costume. I’ve Netflixed Corpse Bride (is it okay to use “Netflix” as a verb? I haven’t yet decided), I’ve got a box of Entenmann’s cupcakes decorated with candy corn ready to go, and for once I will not be suffering the indignity of a miserable costume. Some people really shine at the art of costuming themselves. I am not, nor have I ever been, one of those people. My last attempt, Eleanor Roosevelt, proved disastrous. While my friends pranced around in their adorable outfits, I was laboring to keep my giant hat from getting knocked off by the crowds, while I sweated in my hot, grey wig and hideous brown wool dress. No one had any idea who I was supposed to be (despite my authentic, vintage F.D.R. campaign pin which I personally thought was a brilliant touch). Instead I just looked like a dumpy, sweaty old woman who couldn’t keep her hat on. It was then that I decided, never again.
Anyway, for those non-Halloween hermits among you, here are some, ya know, great ideas for tomorrow night from the always-helpful little ghouls and goblins of Yelp.
If you haven’t yet decided on a costume, here are some excellent ideas (cough). How about the ever-popular “Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick girl?” Yup.
I practically lived at Tin Horn Flats when the boy was living in Cali. Want to avoid a big crowd to watch a Laker game? Punish your liver on a Tuesday night? Hair metal on the jukebox? This is THE place.
As for the food, I advise you to stay clear from the corndog. My friend ordered it once, and upon biting down, the dog was still frozen! Ya gotta fry those things in low heat. I should know, I'm gonna be a Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick girl for Halloween. Who wants LEMONADE?!?
Maybe I’m old, or dumb, or just not kinky enough. Maybe it’s a California thing that I wouldn’t understand. But I literally have no fucking idea what a Hot-God-On-A-Stick girl is. Do girls walk the streets of Los Angeles selling wieners on sticks?
You know what? I’m willing to believe that.
Hot dog lady not for you? How about dressing up as Jared (the Subway sandwich spokesguy)?
one year for halloween, my really fat friend and my less fat friend dressed up as that dude jared from the subway commercials, before and after. it was fucking awesome. LOOKIN' GOOD, JARED!
also, my friend, brigid c., claims that she'll pretty much date anyone as long as they don't look like jared before OR after.
i really have nothing else to say about subway since i've never actually eaten in one. (although i hear they have a pretty decent veggie patty...anyone know if it's vegan???) Sandy M. just informed me that it isn't vegan...some bullshit about egg whites. ugh.
Ok, call me a costume purist (don’t ask), but don’t you just hate costumes that aren’t actually costumes at all? So two dudes are wearing, what, khakis and polo shirts? And the whole source of the “costume” is to tell people that they are Before and After Jared?
Lame! (Says the girl who will be wearing pajamas and stuffing her face with cupcakes at home for Halloween. Sigh).
Alright, here’s a good costume idea. Why not dress up as whatever celebrity you actually sort of resemble in real life? In this case, a girl who kinda looks like Katie Holmes actually dressed up as Katie Holmes. Which I’m assuming meant she wore, like, skinny jeans and an expensive handbag? Err.
Recently met a tourist girl (and her friend) who were from the dirty dirty (the South) a few Wednesdays ago and she looked just like Katie Holmes.. my cheesy line didn't sound that bad when she actually replied, "I was Katie Holmes for Halloween."
Obviously my next line was, "Hello, I'm Tom. Can I buy you a drink and a copy of Dianetics?"
* guy's tip: to have a chance to chat up the cure girls who hang outside Minna on Wednesdays - try taking up smoking.
Just to bring us back to non-Halloween reality for a brief moment, the above is actually a “review” of a bar in San Francisco. Trying to figure out if you want to go here? Well, at least we know that this dude hit on a bunch of chicks there. Helpful! Thanks, Yelp.
Anywho. Katie Holmes? Totally shitty costume.
Next up, this one doesn’t contain any Halloween costume ideas…but it is kind of frightening.
Why you ask, well I went to this spot a few weeks ago and they had amazing Halloween decor, but what really highlighted my date was the fact that a small spider dangled over my dates head for a few minutes then disappeared, only to pop back up a few minutes later. I was great timing. what's so great about a small baby spider in a restaurant, well it's a once in a lifetime experience and it fitted the Halloween decor perfectly. I was please. The food was awesome also, and we weren't rushed by our waiter, who patiently waited for us to signal him over to give our check...would definitely go back.
I loved this restaurant! It was actually infested with bugs! A spider almost landed on my girlfriend’s head! If only there was a mouse baked into my motherfucking casserole, I could have given the place five stars! Now if that ain’t Halloween spirit, I don’t know what is.
And last but not least, the scariest review on all of Yelp. Children, avert your eyes…
Ok, I was looking for some interesting raw meat parts for a project, stumbled upon this place, and I HAD to write about it.
In the store, people were wandering around with plastic trays loading up on every sort of cow/sheep/pig organ imaginable --deep fried. There were whole cooked lamb heads, cow kidneys, bladders, lungs, and everything in between neatly stacked under heat lamps. On the front counter lay something that looked like boiled ears and coiled intestines on a large tray. They were just sitting there, as if they were muffins in a coffee shop.
I think I was in shock. Not grossed out or anything, just amazed that something like this store existed. I regret though, like a deer in headlights, i paid 6 dollars for my raw sheep's head to the sweet teenaged cashier and rushed out of there.
Now that the initial shock has worn off and I'm planning my next visit, I'm working up the courage to try and eat some of that fried stuff. Well... maybe not.
Hello, Hannibal Lecter!
Anywho, Happy Halloween kids. Have fun with those raw sheep heads. Wee!
—Amy BlairFor more stories from Eater SF, go to sf.eater.com.