Reviewing a "Twilight" movie is kind of like giving Lindsay Lohan a jail sentence; it's pointless. Addicts only change once they decide to, until that point, you’re shouting on deaf ears.
As gagillions of "Twilight" fans have proven time and again, it doesn't matter how clumsily hewn the film adaptations of Stephenie Meyer's stratospherically popular books are, just as long as Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are chastely gazing into each other's eyes, professing and suppressing their undying (undead?) love.
Though "Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part One" ("Part Two" lands in theaters November 2012) might underwhelm neophytes with wan acting, laughably bad CGI (one scene of animated wolves communicating telepathically raised howls of laughter) and a plodding pace, fans of the franchise get to witness Bella's marriage, honeymoon and pregnancy — three major pay-offs for the series.
After four movies, what everyone wants to see is Bella and Edward in bed together, and "Breaking Dawn" boasts a much-ballyhooed honeymoon scene featuring a broken headboard and quite a bit of implied thrusting given its PG-13 rating. Recalled in a series of flashbacks that play as a tween version of Diane Lane's train ride in "Unfaithful," a "Twilight" love scene is certain to earn whoops and cheers from devout audiences (sans Team Jacob), even if it does feel as over-produced as a Justin Bieber song.
However, for filmgoers who aren't already fans of the "Twilight" saga, "Breaking Dawn" can be vexingly tedious — not to mention sodden with preachy life lessons better served by Dr. Drew on a "Teen Mom" reunion. Director Bill Condon ("Dreamgirls," "Gods and Monsters") beautifies each frame as best he can, but a number of "Breaking Dawn"'s problems (like wooden acting, clumsily shoe-horned exposition and bizarre hair and makeup) can be blamed on the bad decisions that Catherine Hardwicke made when she directed the series' first film and all the films' directors since have made, too.
Not that any of that matters to the five billion Twi-hards who have yet to hit bottom and realize they are powerless against their addiction.
"Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part One" is currently in theaters.