Weekend Watch List: Very Large Fish! Spider Babies!

Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you sit at home this weekend and figure out a way to plug up the BP oil leak. LET’S GO!

PAST LIFE – 8 p.m. (FOX) Did you “West Wing” goofballs miss your weekly dose of Richard Schiff and Richard Schiff’s beard? Well, you can find them both working once more in this new FOX drama, which explores past life memories. In my past life, I was a very fat boy who ate Cheetos by the pallet and liked ripping apart the arm rests of my parents’ assorted home furnishings. Oh wait. That was no past life. That was last week, actually. But I felt like a different person. ANTICIPATION: SHIRLEY MMCCLAINEISH!

WIFE SWAP – 8 p.m. (ABC) A woman who runs an etiquette school trades families with a self-proclaimed “fun-loving” mom. And if you know these shows, you know that “fun-loving parent” is just a euphemism for “terrible parent.” A terrible parent who never bathes the kids and lets them eat paint. BECAUSE IT’S SO FUN TO BE HORRIBLE PEOPLE! I know the type. ANTICIPATION: CRYING!

REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER – 10 p.m. (HBO) Joining Bill tonight is Dr. Cornel West, and man do I wish I could talk like Cornel West. Brothers and sisters ahhhh! Welcome ahhh! To the dynamite year of two thousand and ten ahhhh!!! ANTICIPATION: DIRTY LIBRULS!

MEGA PIRANHA – 9 p.m. Sunday (SyFy – An NBC/Universal Network) Again, SyFy brings you a made-for-TV monster movie whose title also serves as its tagline, plot and main character. On deck to fight against the very large, presumably man-eating fish is former teen pop sensation Tiffany. Sing it with me! I think we’re alone now… alone now… there doesn’t seem to be anyone around… EXCEPT THIS GIANT PIRANHA! AHHHH HELP ME! IT’S DEVOURING MY INSIDES!!! ANTICIPATION: PLAY “ALL THIS TIME”!

MY SHOCKING STORY – 9 p.m. Sunday TLC) Tonight, an eight-limbed baby. A spider baby! Don’t get the binky caught in its web! It’ll spit venom at you! ANTICIPATION: EIGHT LIMBED BABY!

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