Here's What Apple Won't Do

At least we all have an idea of what Apple won't say

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    NEWSLETTERS

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    No, that's not a role of duct-tape, it's the iPhone Point-One.

    Reporters have been invited to Cupertino for a special announcement from Apple on Friday to discuss the iPhone 4, and speculation has raged as to what, exactly, the super-secretive company plans to say.

    A recall? Free Bumpers? Certainly a money-back guarantee and free credit at an Apple store would be a start.

    But NBC Bay Area has the inside scoop!  Note: NBC Bay Area does not have the inside scoop at this time.

    Steve Jobs (or the robot that is rumored to have replaced him) will personally be presenting the iPhone Point-One, a truly magical device that, when attached to the iPhone 4, will make it possible to listen in to radio frequencies from distant galaxies, including FaceTime video chat with intelligent alien life.

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    As excited as Silicon Valley folks are to see the next generation iPhone, that's how badly they feel about the guy responsible for it.

    Now, you may be surprised to see that the iPhone Point-One looks like a roll of duct tape. An incredibly cool and stylish roll of duct tape! That's thanks to Apple's design genius, Johnny Ive, who seems to be too busy seducing a hot, interstellar vixen to video chat with at the moment.

    Of course, the iPhone Point-One won't work with other phones, which all have reception problems when held in a human hand, by the way. And while you may have heard that regular duct tape will fix antenna problems with your iPhone 4, you'd be mistaken.

    For starters, if you attach a regular piece of duct tape to your iPhone 4, your warranty will be voided. And remember, Apple can brick your phone remotely, and will if the company finds out that you're using third-party hardware to help run apps from the App Store.

    Also, you'll be sued. Just ask Psystar.

    What's really exciting about the Point-One is that not only will it improve the already incredible reception of the iPhone 4 thanks to cutting-edge technology from our team of nameless, faceless engineers and assembled by only the tiniest of hands, it will also improve the look of your phone because it's black. And shiny.  Magic!

    Of course, there are no Apple stores in the cosmos, yet, and the company is not at this time offering intergalactic shipping. So if you don't know anyone in another solar system with an iPhone 4 and the iPhone Point-One, you'll be out of luck as far as chatting with space aliens goes.

    How does the company know it works, then? For starters, the bars are now bigger no matter how much reception you're actually getting, and you'll be getting a lot of reception.

    And, naturally, Jobs (or the robot rumored to have replaced him) has lots of alien friends. Alien friends whose privacy he deeply respects. And as you all know, Apple isn't a company that hands out contact information for its elite customers willy-nilly.

    That would be AT&T.

    Anyway, the new iPhone Point-One will be available for pre-orders at $99, and available at your local Apple store in six to eight years -- but if it shows up a day early, from everyone here at Apple, you're welcome.

    Jackson West will be here all week, and remember, please tip your server.