This Week in Schadenfreude: Ohio State's Got a Script. It Sucks, but They've Got It

satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune.

[Origin: 1890-95; < G, equiv. to Schaden harm + Freude joy

On This Week In Schadenfreude we explore the sputtering rage, gibbering condemnation, and resigned ennui of the college football fan who has recently undergone humiliating defeat. Because even in your darkest hour, someone else is suffering too, and probably worse than you. Unless you are a Michigan fan who has just finished watching the Appalachian State game.

Your Tears of Unfathomable Sadness victor for this week is blindingly obvious: Ohio State. Unfortunately, the massive OSU message board at The O-Zone expires posts after only a day or so, so I can't link to the source of this, but one Buckeye fan provided a script for Ohio State versus Non Big Ten/MAC/I-AA Opponent:

By meckbuck on 23:12:26 09/13/08 1. Start of game: Big play and/or Big Drive which throttles complete irrational exuberance including misguided phone calls to other fans with quotations such as "..and WHO said we were going to get our butts kicked this game? - HA HA!!" 2) 1Q/2Q: Irrational exuberance replaced with mass panic as defense breaks down and stupid error spikes - opposing team dominance officially sets in now firmly setting the tone for the rest of the game 3) End of 2Q: Praying to your God for halftime to come as soon as possible so beating (which has usually reached a pinnacle by now) can at least cease for a few minutes 4) Halftime: Glimmer of hope slightly returns due to ancient halftime rituals and slogans which no longer hold true in the modern work [probably means 'world' -ed] - such as "still a lot of football to be played" - "need to make slight halftime adjustments" 5) 3Q: Opposing team dominance returns with a fury. All halftime adjustments officially unwound. Mass panic numbed with large quantities of alcohol or OTC drug-induced sleep 6) 4Q: I'm not sure even what happens in the 4th Q. At this time announcers are talking about local food joints, future schedules of the winning team, and various Heisman situations in order to hold onto any remaining viewership who have not switched over to Simpson reruns. 7) Next day at work with other non-OSU fan - pure torture

If these weren't Ohio State fans we were talking about, someone, somewhere, might be experiencing the tiniest shred of sympathy. Since we are talking about OSU, a nation says "Buckeyes, your tears are so yummy and sweet."

The rest of the week in spleen after the jump.


Yes, Virginia, the entire conference sucks and will continue to do so until Rich Rodriguez gets Michigan back on its feet and Joe Paterno yields to someone else.

With that out of the way: Michigan barfed up six turnovers in a hideous, rain-soaked loss to Notre Dame. I usually give the alma mater a fair bludgeoning here, but Michigan fans are just happy to see their quarterback complete a forward pass and there's not a whole lot of spleen out there. First year coaches make for slim pickings.

We do have this from The Only Game That Matters:

Allow me to begin with the following: un-****ing-believable.

Unfortunately, the rest of it is this:

Make no mistake, as a Wolverine fan I'm disappointed, and I'm mad, but I'm not worried, ours was the better football team today. Michigan's offense continues to look better each week, the defense wasn't gashed, and short of a missed a tackle and a blown coverage, they controlled the Irish offense.

There's no fun to be had here, folks.

The other reaction: what 1-2 start?

The truth, comrades, is that the enemy Irish committed suicide at the walls of our offensive and defensive lines. When we attacked, they retreated, when we pounded the ball with Grady and threw the ball with Threet, they retreated even deeper. As we called off the dogs and allowed them to escape the field intact, the evil liar Charlie Weis, showing the wounds of battle himself, took to the press microphones for propaganda purposes.

If you thought to yourself "I bet this post is accompanied by a picture of the Iraqi Minister of Information" you win a nickel:

Here's a nickel, kid.

PAC 10

Yeesh... can we pick the whole conference? No? Where to start, then? How about a team with a Scout site that wonders if Jerry Glanville can pull off a second straight upset of a Paul Wulff-coached team and causes the reader to wonder "would that really be an upset?" Washington State, come on down!

How bad is it in Pullman? Let's check in with

By agreeing to reschedule with Baylor, was Sterk conceding the season?

That was my thought when I heard they agreed to fly in Friday afternoon and play that night. That is basically unheard of, and would put any team at a big disadvantage. Especially, when there were a fair number of players on their first real "road game".

Meanwhile at, one poster has a radical solution to the dire football being played in the state:

It's time for the merger.

With WSU at an all time worst for football, looking to go 1-11 and Huskies MAYBE 1-11, it is time to proceed with a merger of the two teams.

We can provide a quarterback. Well, that's about it. You can provide a wide receiver. Well, that's about it.

We can be arrogant and obnoxious half the time. The other time, jealous and assaultive. We can all agree to a need to change our coaches. We'll keep your hot blonde cheerleaders and add our exotic asian ones.

The dog can lead the charge out of the tunnel. The Coug can lead the fans in the stands. We can get rain soaked and then snow blown. We'll mix the beers with the martinis.

And we can convince ourselves we never liked college football anyway.

UWSU sounds like a winning idea.
By agreeing to reschedule with Baylor, was Sterk conceding the season?
By agreeing to reschedule with Baylor, was Sterk conceding the season?

Meanwhile, UCLA got smashed into little tiny bits by BYU. Then BYU tracked down the tiny bits and smashed them into tinier bits. Then the second half started.

The obvious go-to place for violent internet retribution is Bruins Nation, the SBNation UCLA blog that spent much of last year in a spittle-flecked rage over Karl Dorrell's continued existence. Surely there will be some good eats over the--

Right now ... we don't need outsider's "pity" or calls for "gut check" who in their cursory interest in writing about our program never really cared to deal with with facts and failed to recognize what our program has gone through this past decade. Let the MSM types cackle all they want. We need to stick together with this team and with each other.

Aw, goddammit. Fans in year one of the rebuilding project are never any fun.

Wait... wait, okay, here we go:

IIRC despite having one of the most talented teams in the country last year we had a very disappointing season. The year before (again IIRC) after having a medicore regular season we made a run during the tourney.

It looks like we are off to another horrible start this season not in par with the tradition of UCLA soccer.

What the heck is going on?

Looks to me that we are seeing signs of a pattern of underachievement from Salcedo's program.

Any thoughts?

Soccer is basically football, right?

And then there's Arizona State, which gacked up a game against UNLV. Pitchfork Nation has half of the mob equipment covered, and they made a quick run to Tempe Torch & Pitchfork, Inc., for the torches:

So, after all that, where does blame lie? Frankly, I don't have an answer to that yet. Last night was such a completely pathetic performance in all aspects of football that I don't even know where to start.

The play calling was atrocious. Rudy Carpenter's field awareness was miserable. The defense simply missed players. Mike Nixon said after the game that having to stop Frank Summers 22 times was not just physically demanding but "mentally exhausting." How are you going to stop Knowshon Moreno when stopping the running back from UNLV was physically and mentally impossible?

Good point. We might be revisiting the Sun Devils in the near future.

Cal lost to a Maryland team that had just been soundly beaten by a school so obscure it couldn't even get a cardinal direction for its name, and while normally TWIS concerns itself with fan reaction ("let us never speak of it again" ), in this case Cal running back Jahvid Best said it all on Saturday:

Gatorade or is Best an alien? Inquiring minds want to know.

Auburn got a stoppage-time winner from HA HA THAT WAS A LOW SCORING GAME WASN'T IT. Uh, yeah, they beat Mississippi State by the sublime score of 3-2.

Tiger fans are handling this rationally:



Sorry...but so far we have been sorry...we were better with Cox as a QB and that should say something.

The rest of the conference went according to form, and South Carolina fans got all their bile out last week.


Syracuse 13, Penn State 55, crying child:

Lather, rinse repeat.

Holy hopscotching hell, what happened to Rutgers? They lost to North Carolina 44-12? Insert "Greg Schiano should have taken Michigan job" reference here.

We have an understandably brief liveblog from Bleed Scarlet that starts off much like a Wes Craven movie:

8:46 - I'm getting a very uneasy feeling. The offense is out of rhythm, the special teams are horrible, and the defense just let UNC capitalize on a short field.

And ends pretty much like a Wes Craven movie:

9:55 - I have no mouth, and I must scream.

But at least Rutgers students are from the classiest state in the union:

You can't chop wood with that, son.


Kansas lost to USF, which is a totally respectable sort of loss if you have any memory whatsoever of Kansas football before 2007. This dip doesn't:
Old Smoke, and Mirrors will have to work doubly hard to get half of the results this year.

Outmanned against USF, is an understatement. Almost against La Tech.

How will that play against a real Big XII opponent. As the eternal optimists blather on, or as years of conditioning to KU FB have taught us.
Dude... dude. I don't even know where to start. Someone find that man, dip him in honey, and place him outside Magino's office.


Virginia is not good. They are very, very not good. You can tell because they lost 45-10. To UConn. I really hope the proprietor of Dear Old UVA didn't root for or bet on the Buckeyes...

We Are Terrible

It is halftime. And I feel like vomiting. We are down 28-0. We have run 23 plays on offense. The defense has given up over 300 yards, and pretty much hasn't had a single positive play. Tyler Lorenzen has yet to throw an incomplete pass. This is the worst that I have ever seen a Virginia team play. I'm going to watch the OSU-USC game.

...because dude probably went Jahvid Best all over his living room

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