How George Lucas May Erase "Star Wars"

Put the fans out of their misery, Darth Lucas.

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    NEWSLETTERS

    Now, we hate to perpetuate rumors that may not have any basis in reality, but this latest bit of "Star Wars" left-field scuttlebutt has intrigued us because, well, it kinda makes sense. And if George Lucas isn't, in fact, planning on doing what this rumor claims he's planning on doing, he may want to consider it.

    We're talking about nuking the Star Wars universe. Or, more specifically, erasing the original trilogy and all its goodness from the world for good.

    The rumor - which, again, is extremely tenuous - claims that the in-development live-action "Star Wars" TV series (which Lucas claims has "over 50 hours" worth of scripts just sitting on a shelf, waiting) will begin with a group of bounty hunters discovering a way to travel through time. Armed with this new-found ability, they head back to the Clone Wars era and prevent Anakin Skywalker from becoming Darth Vader.

    So Anakin doesn't become Vader. He raises his twins, Luke and Leia, in a loving (if whiny) household. THE EVENTS OF THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY NEVER HAPPEN.

    Before you scoff at this notion, remember one very important thing: George Lucas does not love the original movies. In fact, there is a lot of evidence to suggest he outright hates them.

    What better way for him to force his vision of a prequel-only canon than by literally erasing the original films and their pesky "you know, the good Star Wars movies" qualifier?

    Consider this:

    Lucas really doesn't like people playing in his sandbox, especially when they do better stuff with his toys than he does. Even though he doesn't actually enjoy the process of directing, he can't fully hand over the reins either. You know all that tinkering he does, with his special editions and super-special editions, and blu-ray special editions? The prequels remain largely untouched, but the original films (only one of which he directed) are pawed over endlessly, each change more asinine than the last (from "Greedo shoots first" to "ghost of young Anakin"). And when he allowed animation star and "Samurai Jack" creator Genndy Tartakovsky to create his own "Star Wars" character, what happened? Genndy gave us an unstoppable, Jedi-slaughtering terminator named General Grievous.  He was SO cool, that Lucas immediately added him to the live-action "Revenge of the Sith."

    But not before, you know, reducing him to a wheezing, hunched-over, cowardly, and ultimately useless villain. That'll teach ya, Genndy!

    Also, the one thing Lucas does embrace are parodies. He gave "Robot Chicken" and "Family Guy" carte blanche (even the use of music and sound effects) so that they could, effectively, crap all over the original films. (Count how many prequel parodies either entity has done. Exactly). Lucas even included the parodies on the "Star Wars Saga" Blu-ray!

    Speaking of the Blu-ray…if the box art doesn't tell you all you need to know…

    All these years, we thought these people were kind of important:


    Silly us. Clearly they are not nearly as vital to the story as Jar-Jar Binks, Boba Fett's dad, and a faceless clone trooper.

    So we say, let this rumor be true! Let George Lucas rid himself of a legacy he can't possibly live up to anymore. If he wants to believe that the "Star Wars" movies are just middling kids' entertainment (because kids LOVE plots built around government corruption and trade disputes, you know), let him. It's better for everyone. Nuke the fridge, George, and let's all move on.

    Because this is how George Lucas views the "Star Wars" universe, and everyone should stop pretending otherwise: